Kahayag (Silliman Unviersity Kahayag Dance Company) is the dance company I sort of, kind of married, in a way.
I love dancing; I know I absolutely do. I know in my heart that I cannot live without it because I’ve tried to live without dancing but somehow in some way, my system seems to crave for it.
My dilemma right now is that everything (studies, personal problems, unfinished business, etc,) — is taking a toll on me.
These past few days I often think to myself, “I hope our agenda for tonight is the choreography which I’m not involved in,” so I don’t have to rehearse and I can just lay around, chill, or read a book like a normal person would on his free time.
Thing is, I’m not a normal person; I’m not just a student anymore and I never use to wish away rehearsals…
I keep on asking myself, “What if I quit the company?” But then I would end up asking myself another question, “For what fuckin’ reason, Dyl?! For what?!” And I know I will never have a freakin’ answer. I’m not injured nor ill. I’m just going through an emotional crisis.
Kahayag is like family to me and nobody can just quit on family, right? (Surely, we can’t quit our own family, literally) And it feels just like that. How can I possibly quit the company when they’ve housed me as one of their own? They gave me so much — so, so much — things that I didn’t even ask for; yet they gave anyway, just like my biological family would.
Last semester I was falling back on my studies yet doing so well in Kahayag and I didn’t understand why that was so. That bothered me and I didn’t really know what to do with my life anymore. Mass Communication was the course I’m taking (still is) but what was I supposed to do when my heart and mind wasn’t in it? And now that I’m finally doing fairly well in school, it just so happens that all my frustrations are in the studio.
Dancing is supposed to be a way for me to unwind but lately being in the studio is stressing me out. My body is inside the studio but my mind seems to be running around in circles. I can’t do the corner works right, I forget to lock my knees, I forget to keep my butt in, and I forget to keep my shoulders down and I end up losing my balance and tripping on the floor!
During the past week, whenever I finish my classes, knowing that by 7 PM there are gonna be rehearsals, I feel weak and already tired – and I haven’t even started dancing yet.
… but nonetheless, I know I won’t quit Kahayag. I just can’t. That’s it. Period. Exclamation point!
Because I know that if I do, I am going to regret it for the rest of my lifetime. I know that I can never ever again face the people who have given so much of their time and effort just for my own benefit.
It’s tiring to practice something over and over again until you perfect it and get it right but that’s just the way it is. That’s life, in every aspect.
It’s about taking each step one by one and losing your balance, tripping on the floor, getting back up, and losing your balance again.
And that is exactly why I’m gonna take this first step of my Getting a Grip On Myself and Reality process.
Step 1, write my heart out.
Step 2, i’ll leave it to Tomorrow to figure that one out.