My Passion Heals Me

My Passion Heals Me

I miss this. I miss the fulfillment of taking a good photo… *sigh
Photography, to me, is just as addictive as dancing.
Once I start taking photos, I never want to stop. I just shoot and shoot and shoot until I’ve come close to contentment.

I so badly need to do something to unwind my body and mind.
I need to take photos…

Problems, spare this one part of my life, please.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse.

I went to the studio seeking relief only to find out that that one place I consider a sanctuary was not exempted from problems of the world after all.

We tackle problems at the studio all the time, but of all the days the Lord has made, it just had to be today!

And to think, the sermon from our Artistic Director tonight was something that didn’t need to be said because he had voiced out the same concern more than once already.

I mean, seriously, other people do not seem to get the concept of initiative. It’s frustrating!
Each member of the company has his/her own problems to deal with outside the studio, and to bring to surface new problems involving the company can almost feel like emotional and psychological suicide for the other members.

Hearing our Artistic Director’s frustrations was also frustrating on my part. Absences, tardiness, and untidiness are such trivial yet important things to keep in mind for the benefit of every member and the studio that we, as dancers, basically live in.

This day was definitely emotionally draining (and to think this day isn’t over just yet). It all feels like every aspect of my life is falling apart and I’m too tired to do anything about it.


More to Life Than Partying

Of course I love to party. I’m a dancer, after all. I love the blinding lights and the deafening noise of electro music.

On the other hand, I don’t want to be known as the girl who does only that. The girl who unexpectedly smokes, drinks til she turns red, and kisses guys she just met. Sure I had a lot of fun when I did those things but life goes on.

I’m a student of Silliman University, and more so, a member of the Kahayag Dance Company, a front-liner of the university and as well as a cultural ambassador.

I’m giving much emphasis on my membership in Kahayag because I think it is such a disgrace to be seen with appalling behavior especially when most people know that I am a member of the Silliman University’s Dance Company. It isn’t just me who is affected by my decisions but my actions will also reflect on the image of the company.

I’ve brought this up because there was one night, when I was still in my party-going mode, that I went out, did the usual things such as smoke, drink, and dance.

I met this guy, let’s just call him Mike, and we got to know each other the whole night and ended up making out by the beach at Escaño.

Escaño is the ultimate tambayan (hang out place) of Silliman students – that’s where the students park their cars, drink, and dance when they don’t want to go to the establishments just across Escaño.

My dilemma was Mike wanted to make out near the beach where for sure a lot of people would see us and I didn’t want to give anybody that knew me any type of show.
Nonetheless, he wanted to make out by the beach, so by the beach it was then.

The most awful part about everything was a week after that “incident” my roommate jokingly told me that she knew about something I did recently and that a friend of hers told her so.

Maybz (my roommate), told me that her friend said it was her roommate who was a Kahayag dancer doing “something” “somewhere”, and of course nobody else in our room but me is a Kahayag dancer! And of course I knew exactly what she meant when she said “something” “somewhere”!

I was in panic mode. That incident cannot happen again, especially not like that!
I felt so ashamed of my behavior. If  Kuya Boe (our Artistic Director) were to find out what I did, oh gosh! What would he think?!

How would that reflect on the Company? What will other people think? That Kahayag dancers, scholars of the university, have little or no respect for themselves and are all about dancing, drinking, and partying? Of course this is not what we stand for and this is not how we want to reflect ourselves as the University’s dance company.

I don’t care too much how people may perceive me, however, this isn’t just about me anymore. This is about how I perceive myself and how people perceive of the Company I represent. Which is why in crucial times, I say, there’s more to life than partying.