Laying Low

I have to lay low.

Yes that is exactly how I feel right now and that is exactly what I need to do.
But how can I? I know that now is definitely not a good time to show signs of weakness or indecisiveness but I know that laying low is what I need as of this moment.

“Lay low on your dancing for now.”

I had finally heard these words come out of my mother’s mouth. I had thought of the same notion once or twice but I never said it aloud. I don’t want the thought to become reality and I don’t want to have to face the reality of having to choose between dance and my future diploma.

Lord, can’t I have both? Others that came before me had made it happen for themselves and had acquired both throughout their college lives. Somehow though, I know I differ from them.

These past few years of training in dance, I have seen a considerable amount of improvement in terms of my skill–modesty aside. If I were to assess how that happened, it was because I gave so much time, effort, and concentration into perfecting my craft(dance) that improvement was a natural phenomenon. Because I was paying so much attention to dance, unknowingly I had neglected my course and my studies.

I was not doing horribly but I know within me that if the time and energy I allotted for dance were used for my schoolwork, I would have excelled. It seems that I can only focus on one thing at a time. I just hate doing something while I’m thinking of another. This is usually why I end up doing such lousy work. I’m doing a certain work. say for example paper work, but then my mind is also wandering to that new routine we are working on and that I have to practice.

The 24 hours in a day is not enough to do all things that need to be done–especially when my body needs to snooze during very untimely hours. I work during the night: Dance and schoolwork; which leads me skipping classes because I tend to drowse off until noon.

I often wonder if I’m growing old too fast because my body cannot tolerate sleeping so late while doing so much anymore.

Still developing a solution for this problem, however, I know that laying low right now is not in the list of options. By hook or by crook, I will make this work, or I will die trying.

A .1 away from passing

Wow. That is all I can say. And to think Communication 24, one of my major subjects last semester, was definitely the subject I was so sure I’d pass. Thank you very much Sir. Thank you very much for wasting my tuition fee. Thank you very much for meeting us only twice for the second half of the semester. I really appreciate how you never took into consideration the fact that we, my classmates and I, waited for you for a whole of two hours on finals week, only to find out that you were not going to meet us on the day of our final exam that you, yourself scheduled. Thank you!

Thank you also for the very late submission of our grades! So what do you expect me to do now? Retake Communication 24? Seriously? And where did the tuition fee my parents paid for went? They went to all the supposed school days on which you were absent. I truly appreciate that.

I may have had lapses during the first half of the semester but that definitely did not equal the lapses (what an understatement) you had during the last half. No midterms and no finals – how the hell did you create our grades?

And what’s even more funny is that when you first attempted to submit our grades to our college secretary, well you had them all wrong because you mistook the University’s grading system for the usual grading system of other universities/colleges here in Dumaguete City.

Oh my God! Why did you even decide to accept the responsibility of teaching Communication 24 (Media Ethics) when you knew there were plenty of other things you had to pay attention to?

I cannot believe this is actually happening! The very least you could give to any of your Communication 24 student is a 3.0 grade. Damn you for giving me 2.4!

Damn you for assessing my performance in whatever way you did when you performed very poorly yourself. And lucky me! What a way to start my awesome school year.

Problems, spare this one part of my life, please.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse.

I went to the studio seeking relief only to find out that that one place I consider a sanctuary was not exempted from problems of the world after all.

We tackle problems at the studio all the time, but of all the days the Lord has made, it just had to be today!

And to think, the sermon from our Artistic Director tonight was something that didn’t need to be said because he had voiced out the same concern more than once already.

I mean, seriously, other people do not seem to get the concept of initiative. It’s frustrating!
Each member of the company has his/her own problems to deal with outside the studio, and to bring to surface new problems involving the company can almost feel like emotional and psychological suicide for the other members.

Hearing our Artistic Director’s frustrations was also frustrating on my part. Absences, tardiness, and untidiness are such trivial yet important things to keep in mind for the benefit of every member and the studio that we, as dancers, basically live in.

This day was definitely emotionally draining (and to think this day isn’t over just yet). It all feels like every aspect of my life is falling apart and I’m too tired to do anything about it.

Bow.

More to Life Than Partying

Of course I love to party. I’m a dancer, after all. I love the blinding lights and the deafening noise of electro music.

On the other hand, I don’t want to be known as the girl who does only that. The girl who unexpectedly smokes, drinks til she turns red, and kisses guys she just met. Sure I had a lot of fun when I did those things but life goes on.

I’m a student of Silliman University, and more so, a member of the Kahayag Dance Company, a front-liner of the university and as well as a cultural ambassador.

I’m giving much emphasis on my membership in Kahayag because I think it is such a disgrace to be seen with appalling behavior especially when most people know that I am a member of the Silliman University’s Dance Company. It isn’t just me who is affected by my decisions but my actions will also reflect on the image of the company.

I’ve brought this up because there was one night, when I was still in my party-going mode, that I went out, did the usual things such as smoke, drink, and dance.

I met this guy, let’s just call him Mike, and we got to know each other the whole night and ended up making out by the beach at Escaño.

Escaño is the ultimate tambayan (hang out place) of Silliman students – that’s where the students park their cars, drink, and dance when they don’t want to go to the establishments just across Escaño.

My dilemma was Mike wanted to make out near the beach where for sure a lot of people would see us and I didn’t want to give anybody that knew me any type of show.
Nonetheless, he wanted to make out by the beach, so by the beach it was then.

The most awful part about everything was a week after that “incident” my roommate jokingly told me that she knew about something I did recently and that a friend of hers told her so.

Maybz (my roommate), told me that her friend said it was her roommate who was a Kahayag dancer doing “something” “somewhere”, and of course nobody else in our room but me is a Kahayag dancer! And of course I knew exactly what she meant when she said “something” “somewhere”!

I was in panic mode. That incident cannot happen again, especially not like that!
I felt so ashamed of my behavior. If  Kuya Boe (our Artistic Director) were to find out what I did, oh gosh! What would he think?!

How would that reflect on the Company? What will other people think? That Kahayag dancers, scholars of the university, have little or no respect for themselves and are all about dancing, drinking, and partying? Of course this is not what we stand for and this is not how we want to reflect ourselves as the University’s dance company.

I don’t care too much how people may perceive me, however, this isn’t just about me anymore. This is about how I perceive myself and how people perceive of the Company I represent. Which is why in crucial times, I say, there’s more to life than partying.

Sleepless

Whoever said “Sleeping late is so much easier than waking up early,” was a genius.

As of this moment it is already 7 AM, and I’ve been awake since 8 AM… of yesterday. I came home from a night out with my friends from Kahayag and though I didn’t spend the night out like how I usually do (drinking, dancing, etc.), I actually had a lot of fun chatting the night away with Kuya Boe and Kuya Leo.

It’s just crazy how I can stay up until 7 AM when I have nothing to do, but then I can barely keep my eyes open when I’m studying for exams.

*8:30 AM
Truly, I slept while writing this post. I awoke just now with my right cheek and my right elbow drenched in saliva. Ew. Gross much.
I found it quite embarrassing considering the fact that other dormers have already awoken and even my roommate saw me sleeping awhile ago with my head resting on the table.

And now, my oh my, why didn’t I buy sunglasses when I had the opportunity (and the money) to buy one. Puffy and half-open, my eyes are basically screaming, “Sunglasses, please! Dyl, why don’t you put on sunglasses?”

To my eyes and the bags under it, sorry I never felt the need for sunglasses — until now.