To Dylzaree From Dylzaree… A Letter to Confused Minds

Seriously, Dylzaree Recentes, the only child of Rebecca and Rizaldy Recentes, what have you been eating?

Why does three (3) INCs and one (1) F not alarm you anymore? Are you going crazy or something?

What has gotten into your cooky head?

First of all, you were not once like this. But of course you weren’t unless I wouldn’t be asking you all of these damn questions.
Just think, you are now at the peak of you College year! You are absolutely crazy to not be taking any of these offenses seriously. What are you thinking about right now. chicken? Stop it. This is insane. How on Earth, in heaven’s name, in all of the universe will you graduate in four year’s time with this kind of record? Kindly explain to me how the hell you are going to take your internship this summer. How are you going to break this news to your mother? Think. Think. Think.

I don’t now where you went wrong along the road to experiencing everything and anything you can grab your hands on. But honestly, along that road, you lost sight of the other priorities. You weren’t looking and thinking hard enough, that’s for sure and your grip on your other priorities weren’t that hard and secure either. So another question, what can you do now?

Dearest Nagging Dylzaree inside me crazy mind,
Well what do you think? Of course I don’t have any answers to your 20 20 questions. Otherwise you wouldn’t be asking them if I did already have answers.

All my INCs freak me out, yes. And my F?! The hell! I have an F it’s effin insane. But why don’t I feel my heart aching or my world about to crush? I don’t know still. I guess I didn’t do anything entirely WRONG or stupid. I guess my priorities, yes, were not set straight. There were a dozen things that I chose to do other than what was already set for me and this reason might just drive my mother mad. Anyway, why I’m not sad or freaking out or clawing my eyes out over my INCs and F? (Shit fuck I have an F) Well, because what’s done has been done. Those grades have already been posted online, you see and I cannot do anything except accept that fact and not dwell on those INCs and 1 F. 

If my classmates had found out oh lord they would freak! My mother would probably cry and my father will probably hang me. But other than that, shit, it’s already been done. I’d made my choice and though they were not totally wrong, there were things I should have attended to first. But do I regret, sort always choosing dance first? Well, no. Not one bit, because every second of it I’ve cherished. I cannot exchange those experiences, and would not exchange those experiences for any other. No classroom professor or instructor could have given me the opportunities that dance so far had. I had wanted a life different from any other ordinary student, hence my predicament now. But I am going to make this work. If I have to extend a year or to be able to do my internship outside of Visayas and Mindanao, then so be it (?). That is if my mother and father will permit me. If not, I will have to make do and not be so idealistic then. But whatever happened to dreaming big, huh? Yes, dreaming big. But nowadays, following one’s bliss seems to be more appealing and satisfying than conforming to a standard of norms.

What oh what will my mother say to that? So help me God.

Laying Low

I have to lay low.

Yes that is exactly how I feel right now and that is exactly what I need to do.
But how can I? I know that now is definitely not a good time to show signs of weakness or indecisiveness but I know that laying low is what I need as of this moment.

“Lay low on your dancing for now.”

I had finally heard these words come out of my mother’s mouth. I had thought of the same notion once or twice but I never said it aloud. I don’t want the thought to become reality and I don’t want to have to face the reality of having to choose between dance and my future diploma.

Lord, can’t I have both? Others that came before me had made it happen for themselves and had acquired both throughout their college lives. Somehow though, I know I differ from them.

These past few years of training in dance, I have seen a considerable amount of improvement in terms of my skill–modesty aside. If I were to assess how that happened, it was because I gave so much time, effort, and concentration into perfecting my craft(dance) that improvement was a natural phenomenon. Because I was paying so much attention to dance, unknowingly I had neglected my course and my studies.

I was not doing horribly but I know within me that if the time and energy I allotted for dance were used for my schoolwork, I would have excelled. It seems that I can only focus on one thing at a time. I just hate doing something while I’m thinking of another. This is usually why I end up doing such lousy work. I’m doing a certain work. say for example paper work, but then my mind is also wandering to that new routine we are working on and that I have to practice.

The 24 hours in a day is not enough to do all things that need to be done–especially when my body needs to snooze during very untimely hours. I work during the night: Dance and schoolwork; which leads me skipping classes because I tend to drowse off until noon.

I often wonder if I’m growing old too fast because my body cannot tolerate sleeping so late while doing so much anymore.

Still developing a solution for this problem, however, I know that laying low right now is not in the list of options. By hook or by crook, I will make this work, or I will die trying.

Dangerous Mind

Therefore, I conclude, it is definitely dangerous to be left alone – literally all by yourself, in a room, with just your thoughts.

A good friend of mine once told me that it scared him to be alone and with so much time to think of so much. I didn’t agree with him back then because I have always been left alone in my room when I was a kid and I have always preferred it that way.

And now, I never realized that I have gotten used to the comfort of other people’s noise and racket. I didn’t realize that I have gotten used to chilling out with company and I know for sure that I didn’t used to. I always managed being alone and now I can’t seem to get away from myself.

If only I could step away from myself, even for just one second – to shake myself up. “Dylzaree, wake up! Wake up! Get over the devastation and pain your feeling. Stop pitying yourself and move on from that loss! MOVE ON.”

I can’t! Lord, I can’t. Ever since there hasn’t been a Silliman University Kahayag Dance Company in my life – ever since Silliman University decided to throw away Kahayag, I’ve never felt the same. My life has never had any direction and my life has never made any sense but at least Kahayag always made sense. I felt and I knew that I was doing something useful and at the same time I knew that there was always this happiness I felt that could not be explained whenever I was in the studio.

And now I’m thinking of that loss again. Too much time to think. I can’t have that. I almost feel like I’m going to go crazy. I have to much time to ponder on things that I cannot even explain in one write-up and even here – in WordPress, no less, I can still say, it’s a long story.

Because it is. My love for dance; my love for Kahayag; my disappointment in my very own University – goes a really long way.

Though I haven’t experienced being brokenhearted because of a boy-girl relationship, well, this, I know, is definitely a heartbreak that equals such. I cannot stop thinking about Kahayag. I can’t stop thinking on the things that I should be doing along with my Kahayag co-dancers on a certain day, on a certain time of the day, and on a certain minute of the hour.

I am starting to go crazy! And I should stop this because going crazy is exhausting me. I am emotionally exhausted so good night.

Problems, spare this one part of my life, please.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse.

I went to the studio seeking relief only to find out that that one place I consider a sanctuary was not exempted from problems of the world after all.

We tackle problems at the studio all the time, but of all the days the Lord has made, it just had to be today!

And to think, the sermon from our Artistic Director tonight was something that didn’t need to be said because he had voiced out the same concern more than once already.

I mean, seriously, other people do not seem to get the concept of initiative. It’s frustrating!
Each member of the company has his/her own problems to deal with outside the studio, and to bring to surface new problems involving the company can almost feel like emotional and psychological suicide for the other members.

Hearing our Artistic Director’s frustrations was also frustrating on my part. Absences, tardiness, and untidiness are such trivial yet important things to keep in mind for the benefit of every member and the studio that we, as dancers, basically live in.

This day was definitely emotionally draining (and to think this day isn’t over just yet). It all feels like every aspect of my life is falling apart and I’m too tired to do anything about it.