Therefore, I conclude, it is definitely dangerous to be left alone – literally all by yourself, in a room, with just your thoughts.
A good friend of mine once told me that it scared him to be alone and with so much time to think of so much. I didn’t agree with him back then because I have always been left alone in my room when I was a kid and I have always preferred it that way.
And now, I never realized that I have gotten used to the comfort of other people’s noise and racket. I didn’t realize that I have gotten used to chilling out with company and I know for sure that I didn’t used to. I always managed being alone and now I can’t seem to get away from myself.
If only I could step away from myself, even for just one second – to shake myself up. “Dylzaree, wake up! Wake up! Get over the devastation and pain your feeling. Stop pitying yourself and move on from that loss! MOVE ON.”
I can’t! Lord, I can’t. Ever since there hasn’t been a Silliman University Kahayag Dance Company in my life – ever since Silliman University decided to throw away Kahayag, I’ve never felt the same. My life has never had any direction and my life has never made any sense but at least Kahayag always made sense. I felt and I knew that I was doing something useful and at the same time I knew that there was always this happiness I felt that could not be explained whenever I was in the studio.
And now I’m thinking of that loss again. Too much time to think. I can’t have that. I almost feel like I’m going to go crazy. I have to much time to ponder on things that I cannot even explain in one write-up and even here – in WordPress, no less, I can still say, it’s a long story.
Because it is. My love for dance; my love for Kahayag; my disappointment in my very own University – goes a really long way.
Though I haven’t experienced being brokenhearted because of a boy-girl relationship, well, this, I know, is definitely a heartbreak that equals such. I cannot stop thinking about Kahayag. I can’t stop thinking on the things that I should be doing along with my Kahayag co-dancers on a certain day, on a certain time of the day, and on a certain minute of the hour.
I am starting to go crazy! And I should stop this because going crazy is exhausting me. I am emotionally exhausted so good night.