Laying Low

I have to lay low.

Yes that is exactly how I feel right now and that is exactly what I need to do.
But how can I? I know that now is definitely not a good time to show signs of weakness or indecisiveness but I know that laying low is what I need as of this moment.

“Lay low on your dancing for now.”

I had finally heard these words come out of my mother’s mouth. I had thought of the same notion once or twice but I never said it aloud. I don’t want the thought to become reality and I don’t want to have to face the reality of having to choose between dance and my future diploma.

Lord, can’t I have both? Others that came before me had made it happen for themselves and had acquired both throughout their college lives. Somehow though, I know I differ from them.

These past few years of training in dance, I have seen a considerable amount of improvement in terms of my skill–modesty aside. If I were to assess how that happened, it was because I gave so much time, effort, and concentration into perfecting my craft(dance) that improvement was a natural phenomenon. Because I was paying so much attention to dance, unknowingly I had neglected my course and my studies.

I was not doing horribly but I know within me that if the time and energy I allotted for dance were used for my schoolwork, I would have excelled. It seems that I can only focus on one thing at a time. I just hate doing something while I’m thinking of another. This is usually why I end up doing such lousy work. I’m doing a certain work. say for example paper work, but then my mind is also wandering to that new routine we are working on and that I have to practice.

The 24 hours in a day is not enough to do all things that need to be done–especially when my body needs to snooze during very untimely hours. I work during the night: Dance and schoolwork; which leads me skipping classes because I tend to drowse off until noon.

I often wonder if I’m growing old too fast because my body cannot tolerate sleeping so late while doing so much anymore.

Still developing a solution for this problem, however, I know that laying low right now is not in the list of options. By hook or by crook, I will make this work, or I will die trying.

Dangerous Mind

Therefore, I conclude, it is definitely dangerous to be left alone – literally all by yourself, in a room, with just your thoughts.

A good friend of mine once told me that it scared him to be alone and with so much time to think of so much. I didn’t agree with him back then because I have always been left alone in my room when I was a kid and I have always preferred it that way.

And now, I never realized that I have gotten used to the comfort of other people’s noise and racket. I didn’t realize that I have gotten used to chilling out with company and I know for sure that I didn’t used to. I always managed being alone and now I can’t seem to get away from myself.

If only I could step away from myself, even for just one second – to shake myself up. “Dylzaree, wake up! Wake up! Get over the devastation and pain your feeling. Stop pitying yourself and move on from that loss! MOVE ON.”

I can’t! Lord, I can’t. Ever since there hasn’t been a Silliman University Kahayag Dance Company in my life – ever since Silliman University decided to throw away Kahayag, I’ve never felt the same. My life has never had any direction and my life has never made any sense but at least Kahayag always made sense. I felt and I knew that I was doing something useful and at the same time I knew that there was always this happiness I felt that could not be explained whenever I was in the studio.

And now I’m thinking of that loss again. Too much time to think. I can’t have that. I almost feel like I’m going to go crazy. I have to much time to ponder on things that I cannot even explain in one write-up and even here – in WordPress, no less, I can still say, it’s a long story.

Because it is. My love for dance; my love for Kahayag; my disappointment in my very own University – goes a really long way.

Though I haven’t experienced being brokenhearted because of a boy-girl relationship, well, this, I know, is definitely a heartbreak that equals such. I cannot stop thinking about Kahayag. I can’t stop thinking on the things that I should be doing along with my Kahayag co-dancers on a certain day, on a certain time of the day, and on a certain minute of the hour.

I am starting to go crazy! And I should stop this because going crazy is exhausting me. I am emotionally exhausted so good night.

Getting a Grip on Myself and Reality

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Kahayag (Silliman Unviersity Kahayag Dance Company)  is the dance company I sort of, kind of married, in a way.

I love dancing; I know I absolutely do. I know in my heart that I cannot live without it because I’ve tried to live without dancing but somehow in some way, my system seems to crave for it.

My dilemma right now is that everything (studies, personal problems, unfinished business, etc,) — is taking a toll on me.

These past few days I often think to myself, “I hope our agenda for tonight is the choreography which I’m not involved in,” so I don’t have to rehearse and I can just lay around, chill, or read a book like a normal person would on his free time.

Thing is, I’m not a normal person; I’m not just a student anymore and I never use to wish away rehearsals…

I keep on asking myself, “What if I quit the company?” But then I would end up asking myself another question, “For what fuckin’ reason, Dyl?! For what?!” And I know I will never have a freakin’ answer.  I’m not injured nor ill. I’m just going through an emotional crisis.

Kahayag is like family to me and nobody can just quit on family, right? (Surely, we can’t quit our own family, literally) And it feels just like that. How can I possibly quit the company when they’ve housed me as one of their own? They gave me so much — so, so much — things that I didn’t even ask for; yet they gave anyway, just like my biological family would.

Last semester I was falling back on my studies yet doing so well in Kahayag and I didn’t understand why that was so. That bothered me and I didn’t really know what to do with my life anymore. Mass Communication was the course I’m taking (still is) but what was I supposed to do when my heart and mind wasn’t in it? And now that I’m finally doing fairly well in school, it just so happens that all my frustrations are in the studio.

Dancing is supposed to be a way for me to unwind but lately being in the studio is stressing me out. My body is inside the studio but my mind seems to be running around in circles. I can’t do the corner works right, I forget to lock my knees,  I forget to keep my butt in, and I forget to keep my shoulders down and I end up losing my balance and tripping on the floor!

During the past week, whenever I finish my classes, knowing that by 7 PM there are gonna be rehearsals, I feel weak and already tired – and I haven’t even started dancing yet.

… but nonetheless, I know I won’t quit Kahayag. I just can’t. That’s it. Period. Exclamation point!

Because I know that if I do, I am going to regret it for the rest of my lifetime. I know that I can never ever again face the people who have given so much of their time and effort just for my own benefit.

It’s tiring to practice something over and over again until you perfect it and get it right but that’s just the way it is. That’s life, in every aspect.

It’s about taking each step one by one and losing your balance, tripping on the floor, getting back up, and losing your balance again.

And that is exactly why I’m gonna take this first step of my Getting a Grip On Myself and Reality process.

Step 1, write my heart out.
Step 2, i’ll leave it to Tomorrow to figure that one out.

On A Procrastinating Day

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The title doesn’t seem at all appropriate though since I procrastinate every single day. This thing I’m doing right now, blogging, this is my ultimate distraction. I just can’t seem to bear the thought of figuring out how to write this freakin story I have to write. I never found the forum interesting (Yes, I have to write about a forum) and personally [my friend’s also think so], that the forum didn’t really have much content to it. My dilemma now is that how am I supposed to write an interesting story about a forum I have absolutely no interest for? Geez… Lucky me, lucky us [my classmates].